Some fairly harmless jokes that I would even dare to tell my grandmother.
A man and a friend are playing
golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to
the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his
eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that
is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are
a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah,
well we were married 35 years.”
A woman gets on a bus with her
baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right
up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
screaming in terror like his passengers.
- Yes, who is this?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you Jones?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, I'm Knott.
- Shut up!
Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives
who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
A small report from the first European space flight.
The first European space flight is in progress.
On board of the space ship are two pigs and a Belgian.
During the flight the following conversation took place between ground
control and the crew:
Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me?
Hello, here is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear.
Pig 1, how is everything?
Everything under control Ground Control. No problems.
Ok, pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your instructions.
Yes Ground Control, when coming in orbit, press the square button, and
depress the round one.
Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.
Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 2. Pig 2, are you reading me?
Hello, here is pig 2 for Ground Control. What can I do for you.
Pig 2, how is everything?
Everything is going smoothly Ground Control. No problems.
Pig 2, can you also repeat your instructions please.
Yes Ground Control, when landing pull the red lever and push the blue one.
Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.
Hello, this is Ground Control for Belgian. Belgian, are you reading me?
Hello, here is Belgian for Ground Control.
Belgian, how is everything?
Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems.
Belgian, please repeat your instructions.
Yes Ground Control, feed the pigs twice a day, and be *&$@#& careful
to touch ANYTHING.
Ok Belgian, That's right. Over and out.
There is a story about the first Belgian astronauts in space. One of them
went out for a space walk and came back and knocked on the spaceship
door. The other astronaut said "Who is it?"
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
Wat betekent BELG?
Ben Eerst Limburger Geweest
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
A travelling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down.
He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.
The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town
tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep
in the same bed as my three sons, here."
And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asked the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who
lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes by and
kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No", Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not:, explains Clinton. "That is what we would call
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What", asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me
an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says
"If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by
a terrorist, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me
WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be no accident,
certainly wouldn't be no great loss!"
A man stops at a garage and asks the attendant,
"A petrol cap for my LADA ?"
"Sounds like a fair swap !!" he replies.
There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones.
John was married but Joe, the other brother was single and
the owner of a small dilapidated boat.
It happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank.
A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his
brother John, said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great
loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, ,I'm not a bit sorry.
She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she
smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made
water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the
front, and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every
time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when
anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place.
What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town
came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her
and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they
insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that
the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too
much for her, she cracked right down the middle."
The old lady fainted.
What's blue and square?
An orange in disguise.
Te laat, te laat, zei Winnetou,
het zaad is al naar binnen toe.
Two men in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building are downing
those pints. After #16, one says: "This is a special bar; when you jump
out of the window, you don't die."
So the other says "No way!". The first one immediately jumps out of
window. When he gets really close to the floor, he suddenly stops in
mid-air, and returns up until he reaches the bar.
The second guy says "Wow! I have to try that too!" and jumps out.
falls and falls and falls and..... CRUNCH! smashes into the ground.
And the barkeeper says: "You can be a real bastard when you're drunk, Superman!"
25 GOOD REASONS
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR
WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. AFTER YOU'VE HAD A BEER, THE BOTTLE IS STILL WORTH 5 CENTS.
13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IT YOU COME HOME AND HAVE ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY
26 REASONS WHY CHAMPAGNE IS BETTER THAN MEN
1. DRINKING CHAMPAGNE TWICE A MONTH IS BETTER THAN AN INFERIOR WINE
25 DAYS A MONTH
2. CHAMPAGNE CONTAINERS ARE NEVER BARREL SHAPED
3. CHAMPAGNE GIVES YOU A REAL BANG
4. CHAMPAGNE DOESN'T GIVE YOU BACKACHE
5. CHAMPAGNE IMPROVES WITH AGE
6. AN EMPTY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE CAN BE MADE INTO A TABLE LAMP
7. YOU NEVER SAY NO TO A SECOND GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE
8. CHAMPAGNE DOESN'T MAKE ONE PREGNANT
9. PROVIDED IT DOESN'T HIT YOU IN THE EYE, A CHAMPAGNE CORK WHEN IT
POPS IS PAINLESS
10. CHAMPAGNE IS ALWAYS A CELEBRATION
11. CHAMPAGNE IS ALWAYS SPARKLING
12. WHO WANTS TO GIVE UP DRINKING CHAMPAGNE?
13. CHAMPAGNE SLIPS DOWN EASILY AND IS CONSISTENT
14. CHAMPAGNE HAS A DELICATE BOUQUET
15. CHAMPAGNE CORKS DON'T POP UNTIL REQUIRED
16. CHAMPAGNE DRIVES MUNDANE THOUGHTS FROM YOUR HEAD
17. CHAMPAGNE IS VERY RARELY DISAPPOINTING
18. YOU'RE ALWAYS READY FOR CHAMPAGNE
19. CHAMPAGNE SLEEPS QUIETLY IN ITS BUCKET UNTIL REQUIRED
20. CHAMPAGNE QUIETLY FIZZES AND DOESN'T SNORE
21. CHAMPAGNE WILL WAIT PATIENTLY WHILE YOU DRESS AND DO YOUR HAIR
22. WHO WOULD TURN DOWN A CHAMPAGNE BREAKFAST
23. CHAMPAGNE DOESN'T GO FLAT AFTER ONE MOUTHFUL
24. CHAMPAGNE COMES IN BOTTLES
25. CHAMPAGNE IS BETTER NOT SHARED
26. THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR CHAMPAGNE!
I want to put a hyphen between the Fish and and and
and and Chips in my "Fish and Chips"-sign.
Ich glaube, dass das "das" das "dass" nicht ersetzen kann
"There were three women who wanted to buy a television set. At the local
television shop, there was a T.V. on offer for $30. Therefore,
the three women contributed $10 each, and the T.V. was duly bought.
The man in the shop, however, discovered that the T.V. should have cost
$25, and there was $5 left over. So, he gave $1 back to each of the women
and kept $2 for himself. That means that each of the women paid $9.
Now, 3 x $9 plus the $2 that the man in the shop has makes $29. What
happened to the other dollar?"
We, at the ENSERB, have designed the most powerful image compress utility
in the whole world, using the BROL method : if we take a 1024x1024, 16
million colours, picture of a mandrill, and give it to our program "brol",
we get a resulting picture of *** 1 BYTE ***.
And if we use "unbrol" to unpack this resulting file, we get back
original 1024x1024, 16 million colours, picture of the mandrill, with *** NO
LOSS OF QUALITY ***.
Unfortunately, if we brol the picture of a teapot and unbrol the resulting
file, we still get the 1024x1024, 16 million colours, picture of a mandrill.
Nevertheless, this small bug will not stop us from improving our method,
and we have great hope to shrink the size of the brolled file to 0 byte...
Needless to say, we will keep you informed of the next discoveries of our
researchers in the field of the brol theory...
What is white and flies through the air?
The coming of the Lord.
Q: What is red and invisible ?
A1: Bloody Nothing!!
A2: No tomatoes
Mary and Joseph at the door to the Inn,
" Do you have a room for the night ? "
Innkeeper: "You've got to be joking - its Christmas! "
"Well, how was Christmas?"
"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old
as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid,
and the maid as willing as the duchess, it would have been perfect."
Q. How do Chinese mothers name their babies?
A. They throw some cutlery down the stairs and name them after the noise it
What do you call a rabbit with a bent willy ?
Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive!
This woman lands at Logan Airport in Boston. She gets her luggage and
jumps into a cab. She tells the cabbie, "Take me to a place where I can
The cabbie turns around and says, "That's the first time I've heard that
said in the pluperfect subjunctive."
"Saying that she is promiscuous is an understatement. She'll go
zero to sixty nine in under fifteen seconds."
- "Why do you talk to yourself, Blackadder?"
- "It's the only chance on having an intelligent conversation."
A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a
large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it,
one of the mathematicians says "Wait! That's not true. I have
He replies, "That's okay. I have two proofs."
What's one definition of confusion?
A blind lesbian at a fish market.
A blind man walks into a shop. Ouch!
A fish swims into a wall. Dam!
LOTUS - Lots Of Tremendously Useless Speed
MORRIS - Met Onze Rotwagen Rijdt Iedere Stommeling
HONDA - Hoge Onkosten Na Dure Aanschaf
MAZDA - Meestal Aanduwen, Zelden Dat'ie Aanslaat
RENAULT- Roest en narigheid achtervolgen u lange tijd
A gigolo = A Feemale.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: At 69 she gets a frog in her throat ...
Q: What is required to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more shots.
"Pro is to con, as progress is to Congress..."
A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress.
Immediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling:
- Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here! All the congressmen are about to go out!
The man replies:
-Don't worry. I have a good alarm in my car.
A naked lady standing on the street in the combat zone flags down a cab,
hops in the back and says "Take me to Charlestown"
The cabby says, "Come on lady, what are you going to pay me with ? You
don't even have a handbag!"
The lady smiles, opens her legs and points saying "With this of course."
After thinking for a moment the cabby replies...
"Have you got anything smaller ?"
A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says:
"About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news
and some bad news"
The man asks for the good news first,
"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live", says the doctor.
The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad
"I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday"
A young boy was playing in the backyard when his father saw him stepping on
flowers and pulling out plants.
"Just for that," he said, "you don't get anything made out of
a week !"
The boy was upset and walked away. A short while later, the father looked
through the window and saw the boy hitting butterflies with his tennis
racquet in the garden. He went running outside and yelled, "Just for that,
you naughty boy, you don't get any butter for one month !"
Later that day, the boy's mother came home in a really bad mood and as
soon as she saw a couple of cockroaches in the kitchen, she started stepping
on them. The young lad looked up at his father and whispered, "Well, are
you going to tell her or will I ?"
A sandwich goes into a pub, goes up to the bar and says
"Give me a pint of lager bar-man"
"Sorry" says the bar-man "We don't serve sandwiches."
A lecturer was giving a talk on sexual intercourse one day, and started
by telling the students that there was in actual fact 159 different positions
in which sex was possible. At that, someone shouted from the back of the
The lecturer decided to ignore the interruption and continue with his lecture:
"As I was saying, there are EXACTLY 159 positions in which a couple can
comfortable and beautiful sex."
Then again, "160!".
"The first of the 159 positions is the most popular one and is generally
as the 'missionary' position."
There was silence from the back this time, so he continued:
"This is when the woman lies on her back, face up, and the man lies face
on top of her...."
This Christian was thrown into the ring with a lion. Terrified, he fell
on his knees and started praying. At the same time the lion dropped down
on it's knees and started praying too. The Christian, overjoyed, exclaimed,
"Thank God! Another Christian!". To which the lion replied, "I
about you, but I'm saying Grace".
So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable
in his own skin, has a hard time relating to people, you know the
type, right? So he's in a bookstore, sees a book called "How to
Hug", so he thinks yes, this could really help him. So he buys it,
takes it home, starts to read it, and damn it if isn't volume 18 of an
A Skoda stops at a traffic light, right over a piece of cow-shit. It looks
at the Skoda and asks,
"Hey, what are you?"
"I am a Skoda"
"What is that... 'a Skoda' ? "
"ha ha, if you call yourself a car, I call myself a pizza !"
One day Superman was bored and didn't know what to do so he
started to fly around looking for some action. He spotted the Bat-Cave
and decided to drop in. He swooped in to find Batman and Robin running
about, obviously in a hurry. Superman said, "Hey guys, how's it going?"
Batman replied, "Not so good. We just got a call on the Bat-phone and we
have to go save Gotham City." So Superman left them to find something
else to do.
He was cruising over the ocean and spotted Aquaman. Diving into
the water, Superman says, "Hey Aquaman, how's it going? I'm kinda bored.
Let's go do something exciting." Aquaman said, "I'd love to but lately
I've been kinda lazy. I'm out of shape and have to do my laps." Superman
understood and flew away.
By now he was pretty depressed and started for home. Just as he
flew over the mainland he spotted Wonder Woman lying naked on the beach
with her legs spread. Superman thinks to himself, "I cannot pass this up.
If I take off my suit, I can swoop down, give her the old in and out, and
fly away so fast she won't know what hit her." So he proceeds to do so.
He dives down, nails her, and vanishes.
Wonder Woman jumped up and screamed, "What the hell was that?!"
The Invisible Man yelled, "I don't know, but my asshole sure hurts!"
A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to
play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line
waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of
them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers
was on the course ahead of them.
The following conversation ensued:
Social Worker: Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if
you just give them half a chance?
Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the
course alone. The Lord helps those who help
Systems Analyst: Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they
play at night?
A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this
very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady,
and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.
They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other
so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to
On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her
hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to
On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and
squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.
On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, "Not
tonight, honey, I have a headache."
Seen on a bloodied, ripped T-shirt: I LOVE MY PIT BULL.
1st Old Lady: "Isn't it windy?"
2nd Old Lady: "No, I think it's Thursday."
3rd Old Lady: "So am I. Let's have a cup of tea!"
A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make
sure from the start that they understand important matters, so he explains
to his bride:
When I want sex with you, I will squeeze your left breast once.
When I do *not* want sex with you, I will squeeze your right breast twice.
When you want sex with me, you should pull my penis once.
When you do *not* want sex with me, you should pull my penis fifty-five times.
John Wayne to Madam in brothel:
JW: How much would you charge for my company for the night?
M: Why, Mr Wayne, nothing at all. It'd be my pleasure.
JW: COMPANY! FORWARD!!
Heard in an East German department store:
Customer: Don't you have any shoes here?
Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture, here.
No shoes is one floor down.
Drie muizen zitten in een bar, onder het genot van een Grolschje sterke
verhalen te vertellen.
De eerste bluft: "Ik drink zonder problemen een beker rattengif leeg!"
"Bewijs, bewijs!!", schreeuwen de anderen. De eerste, niet te flauw,
een beker rattengif. Hij drinkt hem zonder problemen leeg en kijkt de anderen
De tweede muis zegt: "Ik loop moeiteloos door tien muizenvallen!"
"BLUF, bluf!!". Tien muizenvallen rukken aan en hij loopt er zonder
De derde muis, duidelijk onder de indruk:
"Daar kan ik niet tegenop. Ik ga maar eens naar huis de kat naaien."
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
Two cows in a field:
Cow one: Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease?
Cow two: No, not really.
Cow one: Oh ! Why's that then ?
Cow two: I'm a duck.
And there's the one about an important guest who went on a tour around
the hospital for the mentally deranged. All the bedrooms were nice and
clean, the staff friendly, the corridors quiet until they got to a
room where everybody was sitting on the floor around a table. At
certain times one of the loonies would get on the table and say:
Roars of laughter...
And another one:
Laughs and more laughs. The guest was really intrigued by this strange
behaviour and asked one of the doctors what was going on.
- Oh, you see, they have all the jokes numbered and when they want to
tell a joke they know, all they have to do is say the number.
Everybody will remember the joke and laugh about it.
It seemed easy enough, so the guest asked:
- Do you mind if I try?
- Please do.
So he stepped onto the table and said:
And this time everybody was rolling on the floor laughing their heads
off for about five minutes. The guest was impressed and asked the
- Why are they laughing so much?
- Because that's a new one!
Mantafahrer zu einem an der Strasse stehenden Tuerken:
"Ey, sach mal, wo geht's 'n hier nach Aldi?
"Wat? Is' schon halb sieben?"
I knew French was a language by age 6.
At 19 I discovered it was also a tongue.
- Anatomically Correct BBS (415) 967-4265
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV" Ge|ge
A man overhears one old Italian man talking to
another. He hears him say:
"Firs' Emma come. Den I come. Den two es come.
Den I comagain. Den two es comagain. Den I peepee.
Den I comagain."
The young man goes up to him and says: "You have
a pretty impressive sex life for a man of your age!"
The old Italian replies: "Whata sex life? I was
justa telling him howa to spell Mississippi."
Treffen sich zwei Psychologen am Bahnhof, fragt der eine:
"Wissen Sie wann der naechste Zug faehrt?"
Antwortet der andere: "Du, weiss ich leider nicht, aber ich finde es echt
gut, dass wir darueber geredet haben."
Treffen sich zwei Psychologen. Meint der eine:
"Dir geht es gut, wie geht es mir?"
Warum stehen Musiker um sechs Uhr auf?
Weil um halb sieben der Supermarkt zumacht.
What's the difference between an American and a bowl of yoghurt ?
A bowl of yoghurt has some culture...
What do you think of American civilisation?
I would be strongly in favour of it.
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco ?
with a crowbar
Bayer faehrt mit dem Wagen durch Ostfriesland und wird von der
"Fahrzeugkontrolle. Bitte zeigen Sie Ihre Papiere!"
Der Bayer sucht in allen Taschen, kann aber seinen Fuehrerschein
Er denkt sich: "Vielleicht kann ich den Polizisten bestechen?"
und reicht einen Zehnmarkschein aus dem Fenster.
Gerade denkt er sich "Geschafft." und will schon weiter fahren,
als der Polizist meint:
(Zeigt auf die Vorderseite des Scheines:)
Also erstens sind das gar nicht Sie hier auf dem Bild ...
(zeigt auf die Rueckseite des Scheines:)
... und ausserdem ist das ein Segelschein!
Forget about the past,
You can't change it.
Forget about the future,
You can't predict it.
Forget about the present,
I didn't buy you one.
Was waren die Lieblingsfluesse von Walter Sedlmayer?
Inn Main Po Rhein
(From a political cartoon in the Sunday (London) Times)
-A drawing of an Iraqi tank on manoeuvres along the Saudi border. On the
tank is a sign seen often on American family cars: "Baby on Board"
"Wo zum Teufel ist mein Bleistift ?", der Chef zur Sekretaerin.
Sie darauf: "Aber hinter Ihrem Ohr ist er doch !"
Chef: "Hoeren Sie, ich hab wirklich keine Zeit zum suchen -
hinter welchem ?"
Patient wacht aus der Narkose auf :
Herr Doktor - Herr Doktor - wie ist die Operation verlaufen ???
Ich bin nicht Ihr Doktor - ich bin Petrus ...
"Herr Leutnant? Wissen Sie wie man ein Arschloch neugierig macht?"
"Ich erzaehl es ihnen morgen!"
A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the
sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window.
"Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you."
"No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the
pulls over again.
"Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and
bottle of cola. How about it ?"
"No way ! Now leave me alone !" The boy walks on, quickening his pace.
car again pulls over beside him.
"Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll
you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you
say to that ?"
The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car
"Look, I don't care what you promise me Dad, I'm NOT riding in your Lada
Ein Partygast zum anderen:
- "Schauen Sie mal da drueben, die huebsche Schwarzhaarige - das ist
meine Frau, und die reizende Blondine daneben, das ist meine Geliebte!"
- "Merkwuerdig, bei mir ist es genau umgekehrt."
What's the perfect couple?
The husband deaf, the wife blind.
There was this Chinese, who was asked:
When do you have elections ?
answer: Oh - evely molning.
A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks" Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"
"Don't miss me, mister"
"Well then you better make it 13"
Laufen 2 Sandkoerner durch die Wueste.
Sagt das eine zum anderen:
"Ich glaube wir werden verfolgt"
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
The game of bridge is a lot like sex.
If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
A young man's father once took him aside and asked: "Son, you have been
a rowdy and an irresponsible rogue for long enough. I say it is time for you
to settle down and take a wife." To which the younger man replied: "Very
Father, whose wife should I take?"
A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then re-
married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.
When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't
overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does
that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?"
"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the
A golf pro in heaven is invited into a foursome (fnarr fnarr) with
God, Jesus and the holy ghost.
First Hole (par 5 : 485yrds)
Jesus drives off straight down the fairway bounces once straight in
"Good shot" says the pro (more out of habit than anything else)
The Holy ghost drives off, he slices it a little but it's a huge hit
and it bounces off a bank onto the fairway where it rolls onto the green
and drops in the hole
"Good shot" says the pro (because he'd said it before and was feeling
little left out of the "joke")
He drives off but just tops the ball which rolls 18 inches.
"Bad luck" said the pro (well he would wouldn't he) but just then
runs out of the rough picks the ball up and runs across the fairway.
A huge eagle dives from the sky , picks up the rabbit in its talons and
flies away down the fairway. As it approaches the hole the eagle is struck
by lightning, it is killed stone dead and drops the rabbit onto the green.
The rabbit is stunned and drops the ball which rolls and drops neatly in
Jesus turns to God and says " Bloody hell dad it's only a game"
Did you hear about the man that lost his whole left side??
he's all right now !!!!
She offered her honour,
He honoured her offer,
and all night long, he was on 'er and off 'er!
Baby camel (to Mummy camel) : Mummy, why have you got big flat feet?
Mummy camel : Oh, that's for when you're walking through the desert,
it stops your feet sinking into the sand.
Baby camel : Very useful.
Baby camel (again) : Mummy, why have you got big hairy nostrils?
Mummy camel : Oh, that's for when your in a desert sandstorm, you
see, they stop the sand going up your nose.
Baby camel : Very useful.
Baby camel (again) : Mummy, why have you got big hairy lumps on
Mummy camel : Oh, they're for storing food in, for when you're on
a long journey across the dessert.
Baby camel : Very useful.
Baby camel : SO WHAT THE F*#K ARE WE DOING IN BRISTOL ZOO?
A couple was planning their 25th wedding anniversary. She said, "Lets
go back to the same church, get the same preacher to marry us again,
spend the night at the same motel, and have a second honeymoon; doesn't
that sound romantic?"
"Yeah," said the husband, "but let's do one thing different;
it's my turn to sit on the foot of the bed and cry because it's too big."
A Soviet visitor to Budapest says to his Hungarian host, "You must have
terrible shortages." The astonished Hungarian asks why he thinks so. The
Soviet visitor replies, "Because you have no queues!"
Mary had a little sheep
and with that sheep she went to sleep
the sheep turned out to be a ram
and Mary had a little lamb
When Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were surprised
When Old MacDonald had a Farm
They couldn't believe their eyes!
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
It went with her to school next day,
Between two bits of bread.
A pirate walked into a pub. He was a typical looking pirate, with a peg leg,
a hook in place of a hand, and an eye-patch. The barkeep said: "By God
look like you've had a hard time of it. How did all this happen.
Well, said the pirate, my leg was blown off by a cannonball.
A terrible thing, said the barman.
Then I lost the hand in a sword fight, said the pirate.
Bad luck, said the barman.
And then, a fly flew into my eye, said the pirate.
That doesn't seem so bad, said the barman.
I'd only had the hook a week, said the pirate.
Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in
the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of
obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the
cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe
decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give
him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him".
No sooner said than done.
But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full
lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this
time !". The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the
food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the
same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if
his friend do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the
evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip
generously. The next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window:
"JEWS NOT WELLCOME".
This was at the time St. Peter was very careful with whom he let in to
One day when he and his inspector, Judas, was looking at new
"customers", they found a pretty girl among them.
-Judas, said St. Peter, examine her, is she well enough to come into
Judas examined the girl carefully and said. Yes, I think so. But I'm
not sure she's a virgin. I saw seven tiny holes in her virginity "skin"
(What's the proper word in English?)
Ohh, said St Peter, What's your name?
She blossomed, looked at her feet, and said Snow-white
A woman rings up a vet at 1 in the morning.
W : Doc, the neighbours dog and my bitch, you know, they are stuck.
I can't separate them. What should I do?
D : Try hot water.
W : I tried, but it does not work.
D : Try cold water, then.
W : Doc, I tried that too, it just doesn't work.
D : (after a moment pause) OK. Let me talk to the dog.
W : (surprised) Will THAT work??
D : Well, it worked with me.
Treffen sich zwei Jaeger ...
She was telling her friend about an accident
she recently had:
"First I ran into the sidewalk as I smashed
some motorcycles, and then I hit a tree so
my car turned around and ended up in the
middle of the street. After that I hit a
truck that, luckily, was slowly moving
in my direction, my car bounced when we
collided and I flew up in a shop window.
And, at that moment I completely lost
control of my car..."
The wife, raging, tells her husband:
"We have to fire that chauffeur of ours
immediately. It's the second time that
he, with his stupid way of driving, almost
"Don't be so harsh, my dear. Give him
A man walks into bar and order a pint of beer. After a few minutes
a little monkey jumps up on the bar, pisses in his beer and
disappears. The man can't find the monkey, and decides to ask the
piano man if he knows the beast.
man: Do you know the little monkey that just pissed in my beer?
piano man: Maybe, if you can sing the first line I might remember it.
Q What's Mary short for ?
A She's got no legs.
He was going home early in the morning after having been
at the pub all night long with his friends.
And, of course, he was all saused, he hardly could
stand up for two seconds. Somehow he managed to get
to his house, but couldn't find the keys.
He wasn't too stupid, so he decided to try getting
in through the window. As he almost had gotten in
a police officer came by and asked his what he was doing.
-"B.bbbut, I tell you, s...sir, tt.tthis is my h..home."
He grabbed the police officers arm and pulled him
into the house.
-"See ? T...his is my l...lllivingg rrrroom, this ii.is my
carpet...t. That ii...is my bed room, that's my bed and
m....my wwwii...ife. And, you see t...the man beside
h...her ? T...that's me."
This horse goes into a job centre and asks the clerk for a job.
"Bloody Hell, a talking horse", says the clerk, and rings up
Billy Smart who's circus is in town.
"Billy, we've a horse here who is looking for a job", says the clerk.
"We don't need any more horses", says Billy.
"But this one talks", says the clerk.
"Bloody Hell, send him over", says Billy.
The clerk turns to the horse and tells him that there's a job down
at Billy Smarts.
"But that's no good", replies the horse, "I'm a bricklayer"
One morning Gorbachov telephones Bush on the hot-line.
"Last night," says Gorbachov, "I dreamt that I saw the
Hammer and Sickle flying from the White House."
This pisses off Bush a bit, so the next morning he phones back.
"Last night I dreamt I saw a flag with writing on it, flying
from the Kremlin."
"Go on then," says Gorbachov, "what did the writing say?"
"Dunno," says Bush, "I can't read Chinese."
A couple on their honeymoon in the hotel room. The young man is
sat in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:
"How can I tell my wife that I have really smelly feet, and that they
always, always pong? I've managed to keep it secret while we
were dating, but she's bound to find out now that we're married!"
Meanwhile the wife is in the bedroom, lying on the bed, thinking to
herself: "How can I tell my husband that I've got really smelly breath?
I managed to keep it from him while we were courting, but it's
going to be tough now that we're married."
Back in the bathroom the husband says: "Right! That's it! I'll just
have go through and tell her!" So he walks through to the bedroom,
sits down on the bed next to his wife, puts his arm around her,
puts his face up to hers and says: "Darling, I've a confession
to make." She says "So have I."
Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks."
Donald Duck gets married and afterwards he and his wife go off to
a hotel. They get up into their room and are about to get down to
it when Mrs. Duck asks Donald if he has any condoms. Well, as it
turns out he hasn't so he waddles down to reception to see if they
have one. He asks the desk attendant who replies:
'Certainly Mr. Duck, would you like to pay now or shall I put it on
'I'll pay' replies Donald, 'I'm not a pervert!'
Late one night, a man rushes into the bedroom and wakes up his wife.
"Wake up honey, wake up."
"Huh,...what is it?" she asks, still half asleep.
"Honey I think we got ghosts in the house, ghosts in the bathroom.."
"What the hell are you talking about?" she says, remembering that
just come home from a night of drinking.
"Well, as I walked into the bathroom, the light turned on, by itself,
and then as I walked out, it turned off, all by itself..."he explains to
still disbelieving wife.
She turns to him and says: "You know what this means don't you?"
"Yeah", he says, "it means that we've got ghosts."
"NO DAMMIT" she yells, "it means you just pissed into the refrigerator
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the sperm bank?
He got caught drinking on the job.
How do you get 4 poofs on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
What is organic dental floss?
What's oral sex?
The taste of things to come.
Did you hear about the bloke who took his Bird out into the fog and mist?
Little girl: "Mummy Mummy, what's an orgasm?"
Mummy: "I don't know, you'd better ask your father!"
What's the difference between a lady and a politician?
When a politician says "Yes", he means "Perhaps".
When a politician says "Perhaps", he means "No".
When a politician says "No", he's not a politician.
When a lady says "No", she means "Perhaps".
When a lady says "Perhaps", she means "Yes".
When a lady says "Yes", she's not a lady!
A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture
and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the
end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It
looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
A couple arrive home from the hospital with their new-born daughter...
The wife is feeling tired after her ordeal so the husband volunteers to
bathe the baby while his wife relaxes in front of the television sipping
a gin and tonic.
5 minutes after he disappeared into the bathroom his wife suddenly
realises that he has never bathed a baby before and goes to investigate.
As she opens the bathroom door she sees her husband holding her baby by
the ears and swishing it around in a bath-ful of water.
He seems surprised when she chastises him for this telling him that he
should cradle the baby lovingly in his arms and gently splash water on
it, to which he replies.....'Not when the water is this bloody hot you
Waarom heeft de sint zo'n grote zak ?
Omdat hij maar een keer per jaar komt !
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to
her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic
Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that
"Certainly, Madam," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way
was it headed?"
A survey has been made on the sex life of the French. One interviewed people
with an age of 20, 40, 60 and 80 years. It astonished the researchers that
everyone found his sex life very satisfying due to M.M.S. A new survey about
the meaning of this abbreviation learned that it meant something different for
each category :
20 years old : Matin Midi Soir
40 years old : Mardi Mercredi Samedi
60 years old : Mars Mai Septembre
80 years old : Mes Meilleurs Souvenirs
"Would you please", the young Woman watching a movie
in a cinema tells the guy beside her, "not be that
impolite and take your hand away...no, no, not *you*."
This guy is going down on his girlfriend, and says
"I love you, I love you, I love you"
His girlfriend says "I love you too, but why did you say it 3 times?"
He says "I didn't".
A man took his girlfriend to see the doctor because she had been suffering
The doctor examined her and then asked her to step outside while he spoke
to her boyfriend alone.
doc - Well sir, your girlfriend has acute angina.
man - Yeah! And her tits are pretty good as well!
Mr. X is having an affair with a woman. She lives in a nice
20-story apartment and her husband is away for the week. She
invites Mr. X over for a little night of fun. Just as they're
really getting into it, they hear her husband unexpectedly walk
in. Realising she had about 10 seconds before he got to the bedroom, she
grabs all of Mr. X's clothes, throws them out the window and says,
"Quick, jump out the window".
"But this is the thirteenth floor!" he replied.
"Oh come on", she said, "this is no time to be superstitious!!"
Op een avond vraagt een katertje aan zijn vader "Pa,
als jullie morgenavond weer naar de flat gaan om te neuken,
mag ik dan eens met jullie mee ?". Na enig aarzelen antwoord
Pa kater "Nou vooruit dan, je bent inmiddels wel oud genoeg
en je zult wel weten hoe en wat......"
Dus de volgende avond huppelt het kleine katertje
achter de grote groep katers aan. Na een fikse wandeling komen
ze aan bij de flat, en zien daar een groep poezen zitten. De
groep sluipt er opaf, maar helaas, als ze vlak bij zijn worden
ze opgemerkt door de poezen, waarna de poezen de benen nemen.
De groep katers rent er natuurlijk achteraan.
Twee rondjes rond de flat. en rennen dat het katertje
deed..... Na vier rondjes begint het katertje toch wel moe
te raken en kan de groep bijna niet meer bijbenen, en raakt
wat achterop. Na nog een rondje roept het katertje naar zijn
pa: "Pa, ik neuk nog een rondje mee, maar dan ga ik weer naar
huis toe !!!!!"
Pen, papier, een helder licht,
en kijk eens aan, wat maak je:
een wonderbaarlijk schoon gedicht
(er mist alleen een haakje.
What's the square root of 69?
Oh, eight something.
The other night I was lying on my bed,
looking up to the beautiful stars, and I
asked myself: 'Where the FUCK is my ROOF ?'
This joke has four parts, OK? First part: A couple is out to dinner at a
restaurant. When the waitress comes, the man orders two steaks. The woman
says "Why did you order me a steak? I don't want a steak!" and the
replies "Fuck you! *I'm* ordering the dinners here!"
Second part: The same couple is at home. The woman serves coffee and puts
a little cream in it. The man says, "Why did you put cream in the coffee?
I like black coffee!" and the woman replies "Fuck you! *I'm* making
Fourth part: . . .
[At this point, someone will say "You skipped the third part!" or
mean third" or something, at which point you finish off with the obvious:]
Fuck you! *I'm* telling the joke here!
A man went to the hospital and asked to be castrated. The surgeon
was very surprised and asked the man to please repeat what he said.
-"I want to be castrated.", he said again.
The surgeon supposed that's his own will and, well, if he wanted it that
way he'd been thinking of it a lot and he ought to be sure about it.
When the patient was leaving the next day he bumped into one of his old o
friends that said:
-"Well, look at this, are you here too ? Have you been vaccinated too ?"
-"Vaccinated. YES! _That's_ the word."
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his
mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the
boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back,
and so he coughed the coin out.
-"I don't know how to thank you, doc...", his mother started.
-"I'm not a doctor", the man replied, "I'm from the IRS".
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
A man who was working in a cucumber factory arrives home early one day. His
wife was surprised, and asks him what's happened.
"Well, I got fired ", he explained, "You see, i was walking along
production line and I got this irresistible urge to put my dick in the
"My God!", exclaimed the wife, and immediately checked her husband's
It was completely undamaged. "What happened to the cucumber slicer?",
"Oh", he replied, "she got fired too".
Two nuns cycling through Cambridge...
"I've never come this way before"
"It must be the cobbles"
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexia Association.
Two helium atoms are walking down the street.
He #1: Oh no, I think I just lost an electron!
He #2: Are you sure?
He #1: Yeah, I'm positive.
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
A roman centurion walks into a bar and says
" a Martinus please barman "
" Don't you mean a 'Martini' " asks the barman.
" If I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one!"
"Julius Caesar at liveras perges assure gurquis."
The nun asks the class what they want to be when they grow and goes
around the room. She gets the usual answers, a doctor, a fireman, etc.
Then she gets to little Nancy:
Nancy: When I grow up I would like to be a prostitute.
Nun: A *WHAT*!?
Nancy: a P R O S T I T U T E .
The nun sinks into her chair, visibly shaken, and mutters ``what a
relief, I thought she said a Protestant!''
A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline
stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious
white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's
wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to
reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she
tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything
under control. "Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and
not design this aircraft to do what it is doing."
"Garcon, une bbbb....bBbBbB....BBBbbbb.....une biere."
"Certainement Monsieur, une blonde ou une brune?"
"Une bbbb... bBbBbB... BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB... un cafe."
Show me a pro-lifer, I'll show you a supporter of the death penalty.
What is the German word for virgin?
What's the difference between socialising and socialism?
Either you go to the party or the party comes to you.
What's blonde, has big tits, and lives in Sweden?
There's this prostitute who's working in a bar one night, and business
has been pretty slow. Nobody's been interested all night. Eventually
a koala bear walks in the door and sits down at the bar. At first the
prostitute is repulsed - bestiality isn't really her thing - but soon
she starts to relent. After all, she's got to make *some* money. So
she sits down next to him, lets him buy her a drink or two, and pretty
soon she's leading him by the hand to the room she's rented upstairs.
When they get into bed, she's steeled herself for the inevitable, but
it seems all he wants to do is to go down on her. Surprised, but not
at all disappointed, she lets him have his way. After they're
finished, the koala gets up and starts to leave, without paying her.
She stops him, explaining that he owes her some money. The koala just
stares at her with a puzzled expression and turns around to leave
again. She appeals to him once more, explaining that this is what she
does for a living. The confused koala walks over to her bookshelf,
pulls down the dictionary, flips through it for a while, and finally
shows her the definition of "koala," which reads: "koala: an
Australian mammal that eats bush and leaves."
A little boy and the little girl are in the bathroom and the boy
tells the girl: "No you can't touch it! You already broke off yours!"
Protestant: I've got four kids. One more kid, and I'll have
a basketball team!
Catholic: Oh yeah, I've got 10 kids. One more kid and I'll
have a football team!
Moslem: I've got you both beat. I've got 17 wives, one more
wife and I'll have a golf course!
How are Halloween and Christmas alike?
OCT 31 = DEC 25
What's 69 * 69?
Dinner for four.
What's a 68?
It's like a 69, but I'll owe you one.
A woman goes to her doctor with a splitting headache to find out what's
wrong. The doctor examines her carefully and then announces his
prognosis. "You're going to need brain surgery," he said. The woman
was quite shocked at this and demanded, "Hey! I want a second opinion!"
"OK, you're ugly too!" said the doctor.
What do you get if you play new age music backwards?
New age music!
The scene: A TWA plane
The air hostess bustles up to the lecherous-looking 50 yr old passenger.
"Excuse me, sir. Would you like some of our TWA coffee?"
"No, but I wouldn't mind some of your TWA tea."
The husband comes home and finds his wife rubbing oil on her boobs. She
explains that she bought this special oil and it's supposed to make
them bigger. He says "You might try rubbing toilet paper on them. Look
what happened to your ass."
What did Madonna's left leg say to her right leg?
Hi there I've never seen you before.
The girl was working in a toothbrush factory when she reached puberty.
She found hairs growing on her private parts and figured it must be the
bristles from the toothbrush. She gives the manager a visit and threatens
to sue the company. The manager tries his best to convince her that
it has nothing to do with tooth brushes, and it is a natural phenomenon.
The girl cannot be pacified, so the manager unzips his trousers to
demonstrate that he has hair growing there too. The girl gets even more
scared and exclaims "Oh MY! You got the handle too!".
Larry A. Gilmore: What's the difference between a composer and a conductor?
Dana Harris: A composer makes up music and a conductor takes tickets on a
TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?
HINDUISM: This shit happened before.
ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else.
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it.
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to us?
MORMONISM: Our shit is better than your shit.
EST: You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
SCIENTOLOGY: If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
NEW AGE: When shit happens, honour and share it.
ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit.
AGNOSTICISM: You can't prove shit.
SHAMAN: Whoaa....Holy Shit!!!
RASTAFARIAN: Hey, this is good shit, Mon.
- If a faggot jumps on your back, would you beat him off?
- If you are in a bus full of faggots, would you get off?
- If Jack helps you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?
Two convicts were about to be executed. The warden said "Any last requests?"
The first one said "Yes, I'd like to hear 'Achy Breaky Heart' one last
The warden said "OK, I think we can arrange that. How about you?"
he said to
the other one. "Last request?" "Yes," said the other, "Kill
An elderly Jew is met by the rabbi. "Oy vay," says the rabbi. "I
that your son has left our religion and became a Christian. What are you
going to answer to God when he asks how you could have allowed this?"
"What about your son?" answered the elderly Jew.
A man finds himself sitting next to a very attractive woman at a bar.
"If I pay you a thousand dollars will you have sex with me?" he asked
her. "I'd certainly consider it," responded the woman. "If I
a dollar will you have sex with me?" asked the man again. "What kind
of woman do you take me for?", she answered indignantly. "We've
established what kind of a woman you are," answered the man. " Now
we're haggling over the price."
George Bernard Shaw
Two Israelis were talking about the dire economic situation in Israel.
So one says to the other - lets declare war on America, we fight, we
lose, and then America rebuilds us just like they did with Japan and
Germany. The other Israeli thought about it for a moment and then
remarked: "Well, your plan is pretty good, but what happens if we
Een Belg is op bezoek in Amsterdam, maar hij wil niemand laten merken
dat hij een Belg is. Hij meet zichzelf een Haags accent aan, stapt een
winkel binnen en bestelt een 'broodje eehh meh uhhh' (ei met ui,
-Ha, roept de bediende, u bent zeker een Belg!
-Maar, allei, manneke, hoe weet gij dat dan?
Ik 'eb toch een 'Ollands accent?
-Ja, maar een Nederlander bestelt geen broodje
ei met ui in een fietsenwinkel....
"Woman who sit on judge's lap get honourable discharge"
"Man who stick dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts"
How many pancakes does it take to make a golf ball ?
Red, a motorcycle has no doors.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Al Green has a coloured one.
Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one, but doesn't really use
it. What is it? A surname.
Do you know why the Pope always kisses the ground when he
arrives in a country? You don't? Then you *obviously* never
fly with Alitalia...
Q: What is the worst thing about being an atheist?
A: No one to talk to when you are having an orgasm!
Q: What has three balls and comes from outer space ?
A: E.T. - the Extra Testicle
Q: What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
My last boyfriend's response to my request for oral sex was,
"I'm a vegetarian; I don't eat fish!"
Ich hab's kommen sehen,
sagte die Frau mit dem Spermatropfen im Auge....
Bill Clinton is out for a winter's jog when he spots a message
in the snow written in yellow letters:
BILL CLINTON IS AN ASSHOLE!
So he tells his secret service agents to find out who did this crime.
A week later, the report comes in. "Well, Mr. President, we found out
who wrote the message." "Great! Tell me!" "Well, as you
it was written in piss. We traced the piss back to Vice-President Gore."
"WHAT? That traitor!"
"That's not the worst of it sir... it was written in Hilary's hand-writing!"
1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club, and two balls.
2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The
course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing
play to commence.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so
as to avoid damage to the course.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.
7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arriving at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
10. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find alternate means of play.
11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.
12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.
13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; they just declare darkness to be the standard.
Do you like sex and travel?
FUCK OFF THEN!!!
So these two French nuns were in New York for a convention when they saw this
Hot-dog vendor pushing his little cart down the sidewalk. They had heard so
much about this uniquely American food called a "hot-dog" that they
to try one.
So they each purchase their hot-dog, and walk over and sit on the bench. The
first nun unwraps the hot-dog, takes one disgusted look at it, and tosses it
in the garbage can. Then she turns to the other nun and says "So, what
of the dog did you get?"
To A Quick Young Fox:
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
-- Lazy Dog
A woman is sitting the doctor's examination room when the doctor walks
in and asks the woman, "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman explains, "Well doctor, I've been having this problem with
incontinence, y'now, I've been letting these farts, but they're the
silent deadly ones that no one can hear, but it smells like somebody
shit. I cut loose a couple in the cab coming downtown, ripped off
a couple in the lobby, one in the elevator...and I have to confess,
I've peeled off three while I've been talking to you. What are we
going to do about this?"
"Well", answered the doctor, "the first thing we're going to
get your hearing checked..."
And then there was the EGO-ISTIC man.
He was cycling down the main street when he ran into a bus.
Terryfied, he stood up, went in to the bus and asked:
"Is anybody hurt?"
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But
they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after
eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and
terrible to behold.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry, he realised she might be even more embarrassed and
humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the
supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later
they were married.
Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down.
He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk
the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call
his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles
to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching
home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans.
Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a
hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the
frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside
and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his
front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She
excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise
dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head
of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone
rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to
answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to
one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began
to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt
another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a
tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms
ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another
powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This
was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table
shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued
like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his
napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone
conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands
on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife returned to the room.
Apologising for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After
assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",
do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-
tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-
tween the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-
negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the
first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-
mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that
structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and
in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with
maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth
part, also known as "The Firm".
Little Johnny's mum takes him to the zoo. At the elephant enclosure,
the bull elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mummy?" Johnny asks.
"Nothing, son, nothing," replies mum, embarrassed.
The next day his dad takes him and, as they reach the elephant
enclosure, the elephant again has an erection.
"What's that, Daddy?" asks the curious child.
"That's the elephant's penis, Johnny," replies the father.
"Mum said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoilt, son," preens the father.
How can you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a school teacher or
an airline stewardess?
The nurse says 'This won't hurt a bit.'
The school teacher says 'We have to do it over and over again until we get it
The stewardess says 'Hold this over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.'