Not for the faint at heart. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Overheard at the glory hole: Mother, is that YOU?!
Two tramps walking down a road feeling sorry for themselves since they've
had nothing to eat for 2 weeks.
Then one of them spots a dead dog lying by the side of the road. He rushes
over to it, pulls of a leg and starts chewing.
The other tramp looks on in disgust not wishing to join in on the feasting.
His friend looks up from his meal and asks, "Don't you want any?".
He says nothing, but screws up his face and turns away.
After his friend has eaten all he can they both continue on their journey down
They haven't gone far when the tramp who ate the dog throws up on the road.
His friend bends down and starts to eat the bits of meat in the sick.
The other tramp looks on in wonder and finally ask his friend, "I thought
didn't like dead dog ?".
"I do..", Say the other tramp, "But only when its warm!".
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me
$5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
A woman is in hospital having a baby. She is sitting in bed waiting for the
doctor to bring it in. Suddenly the door bursts open and the doctor strides
with the baby, holding it by its legs. He starts smashing it against the floor
hits it on the walls and throws it out the window.
By now the woman is screaming hysterically and shouts :
"WHAT HAVE DONE TO MY BABY ???!#@$!!?"
And the doctor replies....
"APRIL FOOL!! IT WAS DEAD ANYWAY..!!"
Two typical London drunks having their beers at the bar in a pub.
It's a London pub with a nice and cosy wall-fire, a big carpet on the
floor. On the carpet there is a dog,... licking his bollocks. You know,
like dogs do! One drunk turned around, and said: "Hey George, I wish
I could do that". George said: "Give him a biscuit! He might let you."
- Mummy, mummy, I don't want to walk in a circle.
- If you don't shut up, I'll nail your other foot
on the floor, too.
Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the bowl?
No dear. Pull the chain like everyone else.
Q: What's red and crawls up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion.
"Hey little boy, if I give you a sweetie will you come in my car ?"
"Give me the whole packet and I'll come in your mouth !"
Wat doe je nadat je een kaal kutje hebt gebeft?
Terugleggen in de wieg!!!
A man's watching TV when there's a knock on his front door. He opens
it to find a young lad holding out an envelope. "Telegram for you, sir"
says the young boy.
"Oh thanks," says the man "by the way, is it a singing telegram?"
"A what, sir?"
"A singing telegram. You know!"
"Im afraid not, sir. It's just an ordinary one I believe."
"Well can't you make it into one?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well you open the letter and read it out loud, but instead of
reading it, you can sing the words."
"Oh no, sir. I'm afraid that's out of the question. I'm not a
very good singer, you see."
"Ok then. Ten pounds if you'll do this for me."
"Sorry sir, I'd be too embarrassed."
"Fifteen pounds then."
"I'm sorry sir, but you'd just be wasting your money."
"My last offer - thirty pounds."
"Thirty pounds.....hmmm......ok, it's a deal then."
So after paying the boy, the young lad says;
"Ok sir. Are you ready? Here we go then...
La-la la-la la la. You're wife and two kids have just died. Tra la
la la lee."
Strangers in the night
This one is too tight!
Pass me another.
This one is too loose....
I'm loosing all my juice......
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "See you next month!"
- If you were a real gentleman you wouldn't make me do this...
- And if you were a real lady you wouldn't speak with your mouth full...
Q: What's 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: How can you tell if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit.
A guy asks a LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar.
She says "What kind of car do you drive?". He replies " A VW
She scornfully says " That's awfully small!" and he replies,
"Don't worry, I'm not going to fuck you with the car".
Warum muessen kleine Maedchen um sechs in's Bett ?
Weil sie um sieben zu Hause sein muessen...
This chap is walking along Beachy Head one day when he sees a young woman
struggling in the sea. So, because he's a regular hero, he scrambles down
the cliffs and swims out to save her. He manages to drag her onto the beach,
but too late, she's already drowned! He decides he better notify the police
and off he goes back up the cliffs to telephone The Filth. When he returns
and looks down at the beach what does he see? Some damned necrophiliac
having his way with her. So our hero scrambles back down the cliffs once
more. By the time he gets to the bottom, the other guy has finished and is
walking away doing up his flies. Our hero is furious and shouts, "Hey!
the hell do you think you're doing, screwing this poor dead girl!!??" To
which the other guy says, "Dead? DEAD!!?? Jeeez-uss!! I thought she was
Little Joe sitzt auf dem Klo
und steckt den Finger in den Po
er dreht ihn rum und zieht ihn raus
Mann, was sieht das lecker aus!
Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed.
Old enough to count, old enough to mount.
If there's grass on the field, play ball.
Zu jung gibt's nicht, nur zu eng.
"You're the load your mother should have swallowed".
Liz Taylor is going in for the final piece of plastic surgery:
tightening of her vagina.
But she insists that the surgeon keeps her visit a complete secret.
He assures her that she can trust him.
Anyway she comes round after the op and the whole ward is full of flowers and
she goes mad and says to the doctor
"you promised not to tell anyone and it looks like the whole world knows,
never be able to show my face in public" and he says
"look, I only told one person and all these flowers are from him"
so he hands
her one of the message cards that came with the flowers and it says:
Thanks for the new ears,
Space shuttle jokes
Q: What was the last thing she said to her husband?
A: "You feed the dogs, honey; I'll feed the fish."
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts
Q: What was the last thing that went through her mind?
A: A chunk of the engine.
why does the NASA drink Coke?
because they can't get seven up...
why did the astronauts use shamptoo shampoo?
because they lost their head & shoulders....
why didn't the astronauts take a shower on board of the shuttle?
because they washed ashore
God: Adam, where's Eve?
Adam: Down playing in the river.
God: Oh No! Now the fish will smell like it too!
Q. Where did the passengers on the Pan Am flight over Lockerbie spend
A. All over the place.
This is the most tasteless joke that I've heard in a long time
(either double-check your stomach first or skip this one).
A small boy wakes up on Christmas morning and quickly goes downstairs
to open up his presents. In his first parcel he finds an England
football kit, autographed by the entire England squad. His second
parcel unveils a cricket bat, signed by the England cricket team.
His third present is the most expensive mountain bike that money can buy.
Finally his fourth present is two return tickets to Disney World in Florida.
Feeling rather pleased with himself he goes round to his best friends
house and tells him all about his gifts.
"Cor !!!! You lucky thing" his best friend says. "Sometimes I
that I had leukaemia !!!"
What's got four wheels and flies?
A dead cripple in a wheelchair.
I love children, but I couldn't eat a whole one!
- Geoffrey Dahmer
"I'm into homosexual necrophilia," said Tom in dead earnest.
What's the difference between a New Kids on the Block fan and a matchbox ?
You can get two fingers into a matchbox !
Mother Superior:" Girls, it's ten o' clock in the evening. Candles out!"
What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What's 14 inches long, has a purple head and makes women scream?
What is the best thing about getting a head-job from an Ethiopian?
At least you know that she will swallow!!
If Ethiopians are so hungry, why do they keep having kids??
So they can eat the afterbirth!!
A boy has his 14th birthday and his father decides that it's
time for him to learn about sex. The father gives his son $100 and
tells him to go to the local whorehouse to learn about sex. On the way
to the brothel, the boy walks past his grandmother's house and so he
stops in for a visit. "Where are you headed?" she asks. The boy says,
"Well, my dad gave me some money to go to the whorehouse and learn
about sex." "Listen," she says, "I'll teach you about sex,
and you can
take the money and buy yourself some new shoes or something."
"Well.........,"he says, "ok." So they do the deed and the
some new shoes. Then he goes back home.
"Where'd you get the new shoes?" his father asks.
The boy answers, "Well, I used the money you gave me to get the shoes
and grandma taught me about sex."
"WHAT!" screams the father, "YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER?!!"
"Well," the boy answers, "You fucked MY mother....."
Little Jimmy runs into the living room, his finger all bloody and gooey...
Mummy, Mummy, I found the baby's soft spot!
What do you say to a girl with no arms & no legs?
Hey babe, nice tits.
Two men and a woman were shipwrecked on a deserted island. After about
two months, the woman was so disgusted with what she had been doing to
please the men that she killed herself. After about another two
months, the two men were so disgusted with what they had been doing to
please themselves that they buried her.
Q: what is menstruation?
A: a bloody waste of fucking time.
A prostitute gets run over from a car.
She's lying on the road when a passer-by goes to offer help.
"I'm blind! I'm blind!", she cries.
"How many fingers have I got up?", asks the passer-by.
"Oh no! I'm paralysed too!", screams the prostitute.
A med-student is doing work experience at the local morgue. The head
mortician tells him that there is a female corpse in the next room and
asks him to go prepare it for the funeral.
After about half an hour the student comes out and says "Ummmm...I found
prawn sticking out of her twat!" The mortician says "Get outta here"
goes in to have a look. "Where is it?" he says. The student points
"There!" The mortician replies "That's not a prawn you idiot,
clitoris", to which the student replies "Well that's funny, it sure
hell *tasted* like a prawn!!"
Why didn't the two tampons talk to each other ??
They were both stuck up cunts ....
Little Johnny aged 3 walks into the shower where his Mum is standing
naked. He points between her legs and says "what's that Mummy?"
His mother replies "That's where Daddy hit me with the axe"
"Wow!" replied little Johnny "What a good shot - right in the
A few UK newspapers had the headline "Concrete Sandwich" to describe
the I880 tragedy. They all wimped out on the obvious follow-up -
"With Traffic Jam".